Re-entry.

Yesterday I took my first walk in the park since Simba has passed. In the past few months she wasn't up to the mile long walks ~ wasn't really up to walking much past the mailbox a couple of blocks away. So I although I missed her on those walks, I always knew she was waiting at home for me. 

So walking yesterday - knowing that she wasn't waiting at home for me - weighed heavily on me.  I had my Canon and shot the sun as it was coming up

and caught the Canada geese and other migrating birds as they flew overhead

I gave creativity and a rubber duckie photo shoot a shot

but ultimately I just didn't have it in me. I wasn't feeling it.

I was missing my buddy.

It will be awhile before we are ready to bring another dog into our family. Simba is still here at every turn. But a friend made a really good suggestion ~ volunteer at a local shelter/rescue for awhile. It will give me the connection I need with dogs and brighten the days of a few lonely pups. Of course, my problem right now is time; but it is something I intend to do. I never thought I could ~ knowing that the dog I walked yesterday may not be there tomorrow; but another wonderful friend once told me, "I know it would be hard, but think of the joy you gave that dog for even one day."

Today started out as my favorite kind of day

cloudy and cool.

Time for tea (especially the Chinese kind that is supposed to lower blood pressure)

And the day stayed cloudy and cool. I don't like summer heat and I love Autumn and I love days like this. As much as I'm still mourning, it was time to get back to work. So I filled Etsy orders

and worked on shop orders.

In between I did a few loads of laundry. And in doing so, came across the shirt The Mister was wearing the day we said goodbye to Simba. It was covered in her fur. I held it close, I cried, I inhaled her scent, I cried some more ~

and then I let it go.  

I thought I heard her raspy breathing this afternoon ~ the breathing I used to hear from the bed behind my desk.

A-choo the Cat has been acting weird all day. It's almost like she sees Simba and Simba is taunting her like she loved to do.

We are receiving cards full of sympathy and love from friends - actual snail mail cards. Family members are donating to shelters in Simba's name. It's overwhelming. And lovely. And makes me cry.

Who knew one little 35 lb. ball of fur could touch so many lives? She was one of a kind, our girl. And her legacy will live on.  I love you, Boo.

Red or White?

If you've known me for five minutes you know I have a fondness for the grape.  In liquid form.  And I'm not talkin' grape juice.  So the deal I make with myself is I work hard and I relax hard.  Especially when I finish a big project (and a lot of them seem to be big these days...) I get a reward.  And since I'll be making an appointment for a physical soon I thought I would pay homage to my evening/weekend/vacation drink of choice.  Before the doctor tells me to knock it off.

I have always been a chardonnay girl

Ah, memories... This was poolside at the Bellagio in Las Vegas 

a few years ago.

One of the first times I took my Lensbaby 2.0 on a little trip

and we were becoming friends.

And I like it over ice. And I don't care what the wine snobs think.

And yes, I usually prefer a flat-bottomed glass.  

My friends talk with their hands.  

You get the picture.

Once in awhile I will choose a red 

to go with a nice Italian meal.

But I always come back to my beloved white.

If you know me and if you knew my sisters

you would know that this is absolutely the way things are.

Yup, that's me.  The rebel in the boots, wine in hand.

So tonight after I had packed up 43 Whee Ones - all tagged with their personal little stories; and 9 canvas wrap prints all tagged with stories and history of the Denver landmarks and retro neon signs - everything inventoried and in their satchels ready to deliver ~  I thought a glass of vino was in order.

Keeping in mind that my blood pressure has been high lately (oh the joys of getting older and stressing out about every little thing - and a couple of big things) and I know my doc will wag his finger at me when I see him ~ I opted for a glass of red.  On ice thank you very much.

It's a nice little pinot.  Not bad.  And yes, I will drink it ala 

Diane Keaton style - on ice.

Not everyone in the family opts for the ice;

but I don't judge.

And it seems the irony in my life never ends.  I grabbed a fortune cookie leftover from our last delivery to munch on with my wine.  Are you fricking kidding me?

Oh the irony.

Perhaps it is time to try that yoga thing again.

Or at least take a walk.

What Balance?

My life is in transition now.  For the first time in 36.5 years I find myself with no children living in fairly close proximity.  They are both in other states. And although I am happy for them and wish them all happiness, love and adventures ~~ it's a little weird for me.

Couple that with the fact that for about eight months now (not discounting the 3.5 years prior to that - but the last eight have been intense) I have been going 100 mph with my work and I feel burnout coming.

Finding balance is impossible for me. Because I've always prided myself on my drive to succeed, my work ethic, my ambition and my dedication to customer service (individuals and shops I work with).  I don't know how to do anything halfway.

So, yeah.  That's pretty much me.   Because I also do this

So this new phase of my life ~ the true "empty nester" phase ~ which shouldn't really feel that much different because we haven't had a child actually living with us for over 15 years ~ does feel different.

And I find myself thinking this more and more...

Now if I could just turn off the voices from my childhood telling me to "always be productive." 

What? Me Worry? It's 3 am isn't it?!

Worry is the most useless emotion.  Well there's guilt ~ that's useless, too because if you're feeling guilty it's already too late.  Whatever you're feeling guilty about has already happened and there's usually not a lot you can do to remedy that.

But back to worry, because I'm a pro. If they gave degrees for worrying I would be a PhD. I'm a 3:00 am worrier. I can count on at least three or four mornings a week opening one eye to check out those red digits on that little wooden block next to the bed and sure enough - they are usually led by a "3."  

Dr. Wayne Dyer says those early morning hours ~ right around 3:00 ~ is when God talks to you.  Well, if that's true, God has a sick sense of humor and he really gets a kick out of waking me up. (3:00 am is also when those pesky paranormal activities start but that's another story for another day.) Because undoubtedly all these worries start swirling in my mind like a mix-master and they build on each other and no matter how hard I try, they aren't going to let me return to the land of nod.

I worry about getting my products to my stores in a timely manner and filling special orders asap.

No one has ever complained but customer service is huge for me and that includes keeping my shop owners happy and their shops well-stocked.

I worry about my kids. Who are adults now and doing quite well on their own.

But I'm a Mom until I die and even then I'll probably worry about my kids for about three days.

I worry about the mister and his stress level and his health and that he works all the time and when he has time off he's exhausted...

And yet I've never met anyone who can multi-task like that guy, keep smiling and keep going.

I worry about my Mom.

Who at 94.5 runs circles around me. So go figure.

I worry about my in-laws who are such dear people. 

But one can't stop the years...

And along those same lines, I worry about A-choo.  She's 20 years old.

And really cranky sometimes.

I worry about Simba who used to love to go to the park.

Now at 15.5 she is happy just to walk a couple of blocks to pick up the mail and go home.

I worry about guns and bombs and innocent people being hurt.  I worry about how stupid the "leaders" in our country have become.  But don't get me started. Seriously. You don't want me to go there.

I worry about my cholesterol and my liver and my sodium and my calcium and my risk for diabetes and high blood pressure and everything else I read on my recent blood test results from the 9Health Fair. Freaks me out, man. Although every year when I read those I become the classic hypochondriac. And every year I live to take another blood test.

That being said, I thought I was a fairly healthy eater; but I guess I need to step that whole thing up and the exercise as well.

The one thing those annoying 3 am worry wake up calls do for me?  The only good thing that comes of them? They give a really swift kick-start to my work day.

And in the end ~ that's all worry does. Gets me up and productive at an early hour. None of the things I woke up worrying about have changed and there is nothing I can do to change any of them anyway.

Useless emotion. Bah.

Decision Time.

I read my horoscope almost every morning.  Not because I believe in it.  Just because I'm curious.  Sometimes it is just silly.  Sometimes it is pretty close to what I'm thinking/feeling.  And sometimes it cosmically helps me make a decision or answer a question.  On those days I believe in it.  ;-)  Take today's horoscope for instance (and I'm paraphrasing):

"Be as realistic as possible and clearly let others know what you can and cannot do.  They will appreciate your direct approach and accurate assessment more than an unrealistic promise that can't be kept.  Take a deep breath and smile; even super heroes can't be everywhere at once."

Today that helped me make a decision.  One that enabled me to walk out the door with my camera this morning and go for an honest-to-god 20 minute walk.  Something I haven't done in months.  And for someone who used to walk at least an hour every morning it is something I have dearly missed.

So as invitations for my Whee Ones and I to participate in summer markets and local artists' events are coming in I've really been on the fence.  

Because even though some of the markets and events are quite prestigious and well-attended, with my usual workload keeping 9 stores across the country stocked with both Whee Ones and photography and maintaining 2 Etsy shops ~~ it's a lot to take on.  I even received an invitation to exhibit my photography at another RAW Natural Born Artists/Denver event.  I'm so flattered and honored by the invitations but what I am learning is that even though my first instinct is to respond with a resounding "YES!" ~ it's not always in my best interest [personally] to commit to every offer that comes my way.  So I am really trying to take time and listen to my heart.  If my heart isn't in it it's time to say no.

I've been running like a machine for a couple of years now and it has taken a toll on my family life, my social life, my eating habits, my sleeping habits and now my body ~ my back has been jacked up for months and I've put on more lbs. than I'd like to admit.  (Denial has been my friend for a long time now...)

So although it's been hard, I'm saying "No" a little more often and finding that it allows me to do things like ~ go out the door, camera in hand and discover the beauty that lies in my own backyard (or front yard as it may be)...

Like these little guys bravely surviving our recent snows... literally outside my front door.

And sunshine...

And dreams of travels to faraway places.  Or at least the PNW...  And the realization that reclaiming my life ~ at least a small portion of it ~ is going to be a good thing.

And with that ~

Mornin' peeps!!