Roll the Dice

So I don't know if its this relentless winter (which brings on cabin fever and I know so many of you can relate...) or I feel I'm missing the passion I usually have for my projects... Or is it the [I think] really sweet thing Facebook did today. In celebrating 10 years of Facebook they did a little video - music and everything - of your personal timeline with your first updates, most liked posts and photos thru your years on Facebook.  

Or if it is an interview I read with Maria Shriver where she quoted a commencement speech she gave awhile back (and I'm paraphrasing):

"Take time to recognize the power of pause -- the importance of stopping and evaluating where you are in life."

She went on to say that sometimes people will say to her, "Remember that?" and she will think "I don't. I was too busy."  

She commented how important it is to slow your life down and find out if you are actually living the life you are meant to live. It's your job to know who you are, to know your value, your mission and what makes you happy so you know what you're supposed to be doing here.  

All of this compounded one upon the other today and it was like a huge wake-up call. Or at least a sit-down-and-really-think-about-this call.

As I stated in a prior post, this isn't exactly a new thought for me. Five years in business, 40 years in Colorado, 21 years married and turning 60 - 2014 is a thought-provoking year.

I shared with my Mister last night that I'm going to take time to think, reflect, evaluate and look to the future. We both have aging parents who need our help. Granted my Mom is 750 miles away but if she needs me I'll be there in a heartbeat. His parents are local and there is more I could be doing for them.

Aging - gez, we have our own aging cat who at almost 21 years old sure could use some more of my love and attention. Oh, A-choo...

And although Kizzie is a very good little girl, I sometimes forget that she isn't a puppy - she will be 6 years old in April. She won't be here forever and I want to enjoy every minute I can with her.

She came into our lives a mere 4 months ago. I regret that I didn't know her sooner so I could have loved her longer. I have said the same about my husband; I didn't meet him until I was 35...

And yes, as I stare down 60 I am aging, too. I find myself really questioning ~ what is my mission?

When I watched my little Facebook Timeline video I was struck by how, with the exception of one, my top-ranking "liked" posts were work-related; as were almost all of my photographs. That was an eye-opener. A friend joked that this was my Jacob Marley moment. I laughed, but thought ~ whoa, he may have something there...

I'm married to a guy who works hard, works a lot and enjoys what he does. So I work hard, I work a lot and - for the most part - enjoy what I do. But I see how work has taken over my life. And even though I created this "monster" there really is more I want to do.

I just have to figure out what that is exactly and channel it. And get this pervasive thought that I must always be productive out of my fricking head.

I get one roll of the dice. 

We all get one roll of the dice. We owe it to ourselves to make it a good one. It's all a crap shoot ~ but I think we can chant our lucky chants, kiss the die and guide them down the table a little...

It's Kind of a Big Deal ~ This 2014 Thing.

2014. I read an intriguing question the other day. It simply said, "What would you do this year if you knew you only had this one year left to live?"  Wow.

This year is momentous on a personal level. 

In April I will celebrate 5 years in business with the Whee Ones® and cmh design LLC.

In September I will mark my 40th Anniversary living in my adopted home state of Colorado. (And 21 years married - 21... Vegas, baby)

In November I will turn 60 years old.

All of that, I would say, is cause for celebration and reflection. I've not really had time to do the reflecting part and the celebrations are in the offing.

But here is what I know:

* I am feeling that 5 year restlessness and wanderlust that sometimes comes with that 5 year mark of owning a business. I still like what I do. I am grateful to my shopkeepers and my customers. What I struggle with is the feeling that no matter how hard I work, I'm just kind of spinning my wheels. And the "making money" part?  Ha - that's funny. The "Oh it must be so nice to work at home and whenever you want" part? Ha - that's even funnier! So while I have no plan yet, I feel change in the wind. Maybe small; maybe not. I love what my friend Susan said to me once ~ life should be fluid.

* I love creating. I love new ideas and new projects. I love learning. Those things will never stop as long as I draw breath.

* I love Colorado but if you were to ask me at this time of year why I love it, I would respond, "Why am I not living within walking distance of the nearest beach where temps are about 85?" (Florida is out. Unless perhaps we talk Key West...) There's that wanderlust thing again...

* Colorado has been a blessing. I raised my boys here and I [hope] they had some fun growing up wandering the hills and valleys. I don't get to the mountains much these days (the reason I moved here - thank you very much, John Denver - in 1974), but I sure did in the past. Now I'm more citified and I get to galleries, museums, restaurants, delightful little shops and events around town more. 

* Colorado is by far one of the most beautiful places in the country to live and it [usually] has a very temperate climate. I fell in love with the big open blindingly blue sky and swear I can never live anywhere that doesn't have this same sky. 

* 60. I have no idea how to feel about that. I know that it used to sound old to me; now it sounds like a good friend; because most of mine are 60, or at least close. I do know that it has - already - prompted me to think some deep thoughts. Usually at the oddest times. Or to tear up. Usually at the oddest times. (And I am not a crier.) I don't know if that means I'm sensing my mortality or what. Whatever it is I want it to pass but I suspect it will be with me for at least most of this year.

* I know I do not like receiving mail inviting me to check out the new Assisted Living complex down the road. What year are we in? When did turning 60 mean you're ready for The Home?

* It's a scary thought to think that - best case scenario - 2/3 of my life is behind me. If longevity is in my genes and I'm a little kinder to my body than I have been I could have another 30 years. My Mom is 95 and going strong. But maybe I do hear the clock ticking a little... I really do need to make the most of each day. And for Pete's sake get this idea that I must always be doing something productive out of my head and out of my life. Period.

All that said:

* I promise myself to eat fewer potatoes. Potatoes are bad. Mashed potatoes are my crack. Only green veggies for 2014.
* I promise to take a little time each day to do something I enjoy on a personal level. Not domestic chores, not work, not taking care of the pets... something I enjoy just for fun.
* I promise to find a way to incorporate more travel into my life. There's always a way.
* And I say this every damn year - I promise to find balance between my professional life and my personal life.
* I promise to shoot more. Dust off some of my cameras and lenses I don't use and put them in a regular rotation. Shoot randomly. Shoot with a purpose. Just shoot.
* I promise to take more day trips.

And not one mention of the resolutions I made every year for the longest time ~~ quit smoking (I did in 1999); lose weight (I lost 28.5 lbs. in the last quarter of 2013); cut back on drinking (I love my wine, but yes, I have cut back); exercise more (Kizzie gets me out for 3 walks a day and that will improve as the weather improves!).

I promise to blog more. It's really just kind of a journal so I probably say too much - forgetting that the world sees this. But maybe I will reach someone who can relate. Or at least be humoured. Thanks for listening.

xoxo, me