Adios 2013. You Were Quite the Ride...

Before we are too far into 2014 and I tell myself I don't have time for this because there are 10 other things I am "supposed" to be doing ~ I want to reflect for a moment on 2013. Most of it was as unlucky as one might expect with the number 13 involved...

I think it all started with Boda.

When my son moved to Austin in May it wasn't in the cards to take Boda Kitty with him so The Mister and I happily welcomed her into our family. Four days later after our Vet discovered cancer and a large mass on her liver, we said an extremely tearful goodbye to beautiful Boda.

My son leaving and moving out of state was emotional for me as well. After college he had opted to live near home and for the first time in my 22 year relationship with my husband, we had no children in town. We were truly empty-nesters. Not that any of that is bad; it was just an adjustment. 

June, July and August brought biopsies and ultrasounds and diagnostic tests to see if, indeed, cancer was roaming around my body. I'm the lucky one; it wasn't. But the whole summer was fraught with stress, anxiety and fear.

September rolled around and we knew that our time with our beloved 16 year old dog, Simba, was coming to an end. Our girl just wasn't there anymore. Our Vet suspected a brain tumour as messages from her brain just weren't getting thru. She couldn't remember how to go up steps and eventually she couldn't remember how to eat. On September 3 we made one of the most devastating decisions we have ever had to make and said a final goodbye to our sweet girl. The grief was overwhelming and consumed us for days. We didn't know how - or why - the world kept on spinning...

For some reason ~ who knows why except maybe The Universe thought we deserved a break ~ things took a turn for the better near the end of September. We took a trip ~ one that had been planned for months but the timing was perfect ~ we needed new scenery and a reason to celebrate. And celebrate we did! We, and 100 of her closest's friends, celebrated the life of someone so dear, so loved ~ my Mom, happy and healthy, as she turned 95.

The clouds started clearing and the sun broke thru after that. Life began to look a little happier. That is probably what led us to almost instinctively and on auto-pilot stop by the local shelter one evening and walk thru the dog kennels. We didn't speak of it but we both knew -- we were not leaving without a dog. And indeed, it was Kismet.

And in that moment, life changed. Everything changed. Joy came into our lives as she jumped deep into our hearts, settled in and opened up shop.

A month later the puppets I had shed blood, sweat and tears (literally!) over from January thru March came to life in the form of an Apple iPad App called Puppet Play. And there was my name for all to see. Wow.

Later that month my Austin son made a visit and our time together was like putting on old slippers and wrapping a warm blanket around us.

The Mister and I closed out the year alone - together - doing our favorite things ~ watching movies, making delicious food ~ relaxing and taking time off from our crazy, hectic work lives.

And then there was the surprise of the year ~ losing 28 lbs (and counting). All due to giving up dairy, chocolate, eggs, most gluten and most soy. Who knew? 

So a year that ~ for the most part ~ sucked, it turned out alright. My faith in love and luck and laughter has been restored. Gratitude for good friends and a loving family in place. Even though my sons, now adults, recognize I am flawed, they like me anyway. The Mister is still my best friend and confidant. My love for my little dog is ridiculous. Now two days into 2014 I am still pondering where I want to go in this brave new year, who I want to be. 

So that post is on hold for the time being.  Adios 2013. It was a ride.

It's the Little Things in Life. Like Pancakes.

A few weeks into this dairy-free, egg-free life (for me) ~ dairy-free, egg-free, gluten-free, soy-free life for The Mister friends have been asking how it's going.  So I took some time to reflect.

First I forget that I'm not totally gluten intolerant; but gluten is an inflammatory (and kind of useless calories) so it's a good idea to cut back anyway. And in support of The Mister's gluten intolerance I pretty much stay away from gluten. It's just easier when you're making a meal together. I'm a huge butter lover, though, so giving up butter was a tough one. Finding a butter substitute that tastes half way decent is hard enough, but with The Mister's soy intolerance - we were on a mission! Amazingly we discovered Earth Balance "natural buttery spread" with no soy. I was reluctant at first, but tried it on toast and holy moly - it was good! Granted nothing will ever replace real butter; but if you have to substitute, this stuff is good!

Eliminating chocolate from my life (at least for now - maybe forever) was actually easier than I had expected. Thank god I can still have sugar. :) Not eating chocolate has made me realize, however, how much chocolate I used to consume! Most of it was just mindless eating while I was working. 

I tried Jelly Bellies but they pulled off my crown. No bueno.

Dried fruit is ok but more often than not I just resort to these

or fruit or nothing at all.

Once we found a gluten-free, egg-free pizza crust 

we were able to indulge in one of our favorite meals again 

- homemade pizza. 

This one is pepperoni, baby portabellos, red onion, fresh basil, 

goat cheese for me - mozzarella for him.

The Mister makes a mean turkey burger 

(stuffed with goat cheese for me; mozzarella for hiim) 

and hand-cut homemade roasted fries.

And a delicious chicken burger with tomato-mango-onion-cucumber salsa

Our fabulous home meal delivery service The Spicy Radish offers gluten free and dairy free options on almost all their meals and that's a real plus for us!

Like this peanut chicken lettuce wrap 

with cabbage, carrot and snap pea salad.

and this chicken, gluten free pasta and arugula salad with lemon dressing.  

I was so tired when I heated this up last night 

that I put the homemade tomato sauce on the chicken 

rather than the pasta.  Oh well...

and braised pork chop with quinoa, scallion and carrot salad (The Mister's)

and a turkey meatball with gluten free pasta and 

pesto and roasted red pepper.

My go to meal when I'm in Denver is usually sushi

My go to meal when traveling is a Caesar Salad with chicken or shrimp, no croutons, dressing on the side. Because Parmesan is typically sparse on Caesars, I treat myself to a sliver or two. And I realized on my last trip that Caesar dressing is full of dairy; so from now on I'm going to make the unusual request of balsamic vinegar dressing on the side. Caesars are usually consistent; it's hard to screw up a Caesar salad. Trust me, though, I have had couple that were hot messes - or I guess I should say, cold messes.  (Seriously, though, how can you screw up a Caesar salad??)

Chicken Caesar in the Mill District Minneapolis

Chicken Caesar at the St. Paul Grill in St. Paul

Shrimp Caesar at Red Lobster in Ames, Iowa

I mix it up sometimes - a kale, roasted butternut, pine nut and

 goat cheese salad at Napa Grill in Minneapolis.

Fries? What fries? I don't know what you're talking about.

I can eat most meats, but eliminated beef from my diet by choice several years ago. I can eat most seafood, but have had to [temporarily I hope] forego salmon, cod and sole. 

I'm very much a seafood person.

Halibut with roasted tomato and avocado salsa and gluten free pasta

at Crave in Minneapolis

All veggies are good.  

So, ok, you caught me ~ 

sometimes a favorite side dish to accompany a healthy salad 

is a little platter of fries.  

My guilty pleasure. *wink*

All fruits but bananas are ok. (I miss my peanut butter and banana toast.) I miss ice cream and gelato but am testing the water with some coconut milk and almond milk "ice cream." And I really, really miss my peppermint hot chocolate on cold mornings. That's a tough one - it's my true comfort drink on a snowy day.

One thing I have been really craving is pancakes. I was finding it a real challenge to find a pancake recipe that didn't call for an egg. Its easy to substitute gluten and dairy, but eggs?  That's a different story; and I can't eat bananas - sometimes an egg substitute. I owe my sweet and very food savvy friend, Jen, big time for sending me this delicious egg-free, gluten-free, dairy-free pancake recipe!  I substituted coconut milk and brown rice flour.  De-lish! (And yes, I get the irony that Jen's blog is called "Use Real Butter.")

I was in such a hurry to taste them!

They were scrumptious. And they may become a real Sunday morning habit!

This new way of looking at food has its learning curve. I'm grateful for the good things - and yummy things - I can still eat. And I'm learning to look at food as fuel to help my body and mind work at maximum capacity ~ rather than entertainment or reward.

I'm not crazy. I haven't given up everything! I still indulge in certain treats now and then. 

Thank goodness I'm not grape-intolerant. *wink*

And there are other kinds of rewards. Like I have more energy and I'm not getting that mid-afternoon slump as often as I used to. (Unless A-choo has me up and at 'em at 4 am) 

The real bonus? I've lost 16 lbs. in about 6 weeks. 

Can't you tell?  *wink*

And that's just by eating what my body craves to be healthy.

Maybe this will be ok after all.

Balance. What a Concept.

A few years ago I would have done that circular hand gesture to my head (ala CA-RAAAAZY!) if you would have told me that this weekend I would practically be doing cartwheels (ok I can't really do cartwheels - that's why I said "practically." I faked them to make the cheerleading squad) ~ when for four days in a row my blood pressure has been in the 120's over the 80's.  Woohoo!

So, although most of the credit is most likely due to a new medication (yes, I hate the fact that I have to be on medication but I have no choice) I would like to think that I've made some lifestyle choices that have helped as well.

First ~ I had the luxury of having a couple of weeks off in July so I was able to step away from work a bit and do other things.  Like move my studio to a larger space.

This was quite a job - moving and organizing everything. 

But now that I am settled in, it was so worth it!

I had a few play dates with my Mister - Steve Martin, Edie Brickell and the Steep Canyon Rangers were fun.  We had a great dinner at Lucy's and a fun show at Comedy Works with Sherri Shepherd.  We had another great meal at Tamayo and then it was on to Cirque du Soleil and Amaluna. Next week we have dinner at Lucy's again and then on to Comedy Works to see Kevin Nealon.

Cirque never disappoints.  Ever.

Rather than drive 22 hours (round trip) across NE Colorado and Nebraska and halfway thru Iowa again (because after 39 years my head would explode if I had to do that One. More. Time.), when we visit my Mom for her 95th birthday in a couple of weeks, we opted to fly into Minneapolis. We'll mix in a little culture, art, shopping, great restaurants in the Twin Cities with our visit to Mom in Iowa.

And we're planning long-term for some very cool trips.

I'm really working on letting go of stress and unnecessary drama.

I'm being pro-active about my health - asking questions and pushing authority. Yeah, that's the rebel hippie chick making a comeback!

We hired a housekeeper. So oddly enough I now sit in my studio creating while every other Friday some little cleaning angel comes in and cleans my whole house.  What a concept...

My Mister recently was tested for food allergies and since - as he says - he is allergic to just about everything but oxygen  ~ we've made some big changes in our diet. I was tested, too, and although my results aren't in yet, I'm assuming I will have many of the same restrictions. And besides... we're a team.

So I rid the pantry of everything containing gluten, dairy, eggs, soy and beef.

Not that there would be beef in the pantry.

Obviously booze is not off the table.

We're eating healthier.

And I promised myself I would resume (yet again) my morning regime.  Work the body, clear the head and open it to creative and positive thoughts.

Peace and love, baby... peace and love. 

And normal blood pressure. Even though I am now in my busiest few months of the year I am striving to hang on to this.  If I'm not careful I might actually find balance. Omg. What a concept.

58 years, 8 months and 29 days ~ or there abouts

I'll be turning 59 in a couple of months and when the early morning hours nudged me awake a bit ago, I laid in bed and thought about that for awhile. 

When I started this blog and decided to call it "Walking on the Edge of the Knife" it was because I had recently visited an inspirational Georgia O'Keefe exhibit at the Denver Art Museum. Little did I know how prophetic that phrase would turn out to be...

My 58th year has been unlike any other. There have been rewarding, challenging, surprising, exhausting, happy and fun times ~ both professionally and personally.  Some of it I can talk about; some I can't.  Mixed in have been days of sadness, days of fear, days of confusion. Some of it I can talk about; some I can't.  

Probably the same could be said of any life.  Everyone's life is a mixture of good and... not so good.  The thing I am seeing, though, looking down the road into my 6th decade is ~ everything has an expiration date.  Everything. 

My youthful sense of immortality no longer exists and I am left with these questions: How do I make the most of what I have left?  How do I come to terms with what The Universe has brought me? How do I make the world a better place for others and at the same time, make my days personally fulfilling?

My daily calendar pops up on my screen and along with my usual reminders to pay this bill, make this appointment is a reminder that our Anniversary is in 6 days. 

20 years... don't they go by in a blink...

And there's the reminder to call my doctor to follow up on some things. Things that weren't even on my radar a year ago are now daily thoughts.

And the reminder that every day is Christmas in the studio now - get crackin'. I don't have as many 3 am anxiety attacks over my work as I used to. I've settled into a comfortable routine ~ a nice repertoire with my shop owners and customers. I've become more organized and more efficient so my stress level isn't where it used to be when it comes to my Whee Ones (and holiday time in particular). But still ~ Christmas is in, like, three days. At least in my head.   

Call Mom - as I usually do on Thursdays.

I don't see my Mom often ~ she's in Iowa and I'm in Colorado. I will see her in a couple of weeks to celebrate with her as she turns 95. And I am left wondering ~ will it be her last birthday? Or will she be like her friend, Mildred, who at 102 just recently gave up living independently and moved into an assisted living facility.

One thing I don't need to see on my calendar, because it is in my mind constantly is ~ check on Simba.  

At age 16 and a couple of weeks we have seen a steady decline in our girl's health in the past few days and we know her time with us is growing short. And it is breaking our hearts. Of course it is a fact that most humans outlive their pets. But it doesn't make it any easier to accept.

Everything ~ everyone ~ has an expiration date.

And no amount of love can change that.

Counting Chickens

So yeah. If you're my Facebook friend (and I can't really imagine anyone who reads this that isn't) you know that I had good news yesterday (finally) re: the biopsy I had eight days ago.  Emotions were running high in my house - first because I had to wait seven days to get the results due to some major miscommunication between my doctor's office and me - and then pure joy because the biopsy results were good.  I finally got the good word (no malignancies, no Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma in that nodule) from the clinic where the biopsy took place so it was a mixture of happiness and frustration.

When I finally did speak to my regular nurse this morning I learned that perhaps my joyous celebration may have been just a tad premature. Yes the biopsy results were good. However there are still things going on in my neck (other than holding my head up) that need monitoring. There will be more tests and Specialists. So maybe I was a little naïve to think the saga was over. 

So there ya' go. Don't count chickens and put carts ahead of horses and all that.

That being said, I can't live my life waiting for the other shoe to drop (I'm just full of cliches tonight, aren't I?). Because the shoe will either stay on my foot or drop.

So back to work, back to life.  I've friends to meet, shows to see, laughter to laugh, Whee Ones to create and Christmas is in three days.

Time Love and Tenderness

The saga continues...

Pretty in pink I guess.  

It was re-check time today. The good news is - first of all - I am getting to know my nurse and PA and I like them both very much. There's something nice about feeling comfortable enough to joke around or be serious ~ and to be absolutely completely honest with each other. Now that was a freeing feeling for me - someone who has always been somewhat intimidated by the medical profession. It probably helps being my - ahem... age - but also having an awesome niece who herself is an ER doctor.  Knowing her since she was 16 it is so heartwarming to have followed her path and her successes. She overcame incredible obstacles to get to where she is today and I am so proud of her. Y

But I digress.

So some of the issues are showing improvement; some are deemed nothing to worry about. But one pesky little issue needs some further investigation. So in a couple of weeks I have a date with a 45 minute needle in my neck!  Oh joy.  What fun! And again - could be something; could be nothing.

But I refuse to worry.

Or stop being goofy.

Or lose my sense of humour.

Or stop walking.

Or stop working.

Or stop renewing my love affair with The West Wing.  The most brilliantly written, excellently cast, beautifully acted television show ever.  

Or celebrating life.

When my PA read my very detailed blood pressure measuring 

spreadsheet (which she said was - very, very good - 

great information and I said, I'm a little OCD),

she said, "I see that your BP goes down 

when you have a glass of wine 

and spend time with your husband. 

Talk to your husband more and drink more wine!"

I looked at her and wanted to kiss her.

Then she said, "Oh no, no... not so much the wine."

So I drank champagne.

I was reminded on my way home from the clinic that I tend to have musical mantras that define certain times in my life.  I've had my Jackson Browne time.  And my Billy Joel days and more...

I was and always will be a Parrothead.  I know just about every lyric to every Jimmy Buffett song EVER.  Years ago when he played at Red Rocks Amphitheatre he dedicated this song  to me.  I don't remember why. But it is a sweet memory.

Sometimes life takes you on paths you don't see coming ~ could never predict. In 1991 Michael Bolton got me thru my divorce.

So when I was driving home today - assimilating all that I had learned in the last 30 minutes - Lenny popped up in my iPod. And I thought - ok then. That is the mantra for now.  Dammit. Stand up to whatever comes your way, baby.

Sweet dreams, peeps.